I went to therapy yesterday for the first time in over one month.
Without it, I can feel like my entire backbone is weak or sometimes even completely missing. It has allowed for me to really venture into my childhood, the trauma, the triggers and how I am unlearning and relearning so much. Good and bad.
Arguing is something that I have been deeply terrified of growing up. I felt powerless and in a submissive role when arguing with family or bullies in school. I grew up thinking I needed to apologize for my emotions and reactions. That if someone was upset or mad, it was best to keep quiet and take on any and all stress or projected anger.
Thankfully, I have thrown those ideas out of my brain. There is a self-reliant, independent, stubborn side of me that grew up and realized I don't have to suffer. Unfortunately, this side of me that says that I can walk away from any situation I do not want to be in -- doesn't work for when I am triggered and stressed in a situation where I WANT to be. Arguing with those I love really sucks. But I am learning that is not a sign of weakness or a sign of failure/that I am a failure. Disagreement is teaching me to stand my ground, listen, and figure out how to work with someone else to alleviate stress in the future.
So therapy focused on disagreements and how I can assert my feelings and boundaries. My therapist said "Successful couples argue this way! You're doing it!"
"I would be lying if I didn't say that is a relief to hear that this is normal."
Just trying to do my best. It can feel like I am doing my worst at times but I really am trying my best every day.
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